At which age does sharing become a socially appropriate behavior and how can you encourage your children to share? First, let’s look at what a child has to learn in order to share a toy. Next, we’ll explore ways to set the stage for sharing as you watch your child grow into the next play stage.
by Dr. Caron Goode
Young parents, especially first-timers, may get upset when they see that their two-year-old wants to keep his toys to himself. What is the appropriate recourse when your young daughter cries and grabs at another’s belonging? At which age does sharing become a socially appropriate behavior and how can you encourage your children to share?
First, let’s look at what a child has to learn in order to share a toy. Next, we’ll explore ways to set the stage for sharing as you watch your child grow into the next play stage. Most of all imagine what it is like…
Your toddler just woke up from her nap, and off both of you go to get the much-needed groceries for the evening’s dinner. You have your list, your child is cooperative, and you zip through the store with organized efficiency and a smile. This trip is easy and fun. Suddenly, a store clerk taps you on the shoulder and asks for you to share your cart, right this minute… your time is up…
Two and Three Year Olds
Your two and three year-olds will be much involved with their [tag-self]toys[/tag-self]. Their play is their work and important learning, like your efficient shopping was your mission. As you might be upset by the tap on the shoulder from the store clerk, so will your child when her concentration and enjoyment are disrupted by a parent’s “sharing” expectation.
Children of two and three years are not expected to share and actually have to learn several points before they can.
1. Pride of ownership: As children explore their toys and find their favorite matchbox car, stuffed animal, huggable blanket or favorite doll, an attachment grows. That they “own” something like a toy is a source of esteem, and that is when you can teach care-taking of possessions – where toys live and how to treat toys.
2. With the concept of ownership comes respect for a child’s choice to share or not share his toys with another. Naturally empathic children may tend to share normally. Other children require that you respect their ability to “own” a toy and do with it as he desires. This ownership and respect for choice lets children know that they can control aspects of their environment. Choice-making that is respected helps them respect others.
Learning to Share Through Playing
You’ll observe in the sequences of learning to play with another child that a child’s awareness depends upon the presence of peers in a child’s world, whether in play groups, nursery school, or [tag-tec]preschool[/tag-tec] settings. These are the sequences of behaviors that toddlers grow through in order to learn social skills like sharing, observed and recorded by researcher Mildred Parten.
1, Solitary play looks like a child playing quietly by herself and able to observe other children playing.
2. Parallel play means that a child can play next to another, even with similar materials, and one child won’t try to interfere or influence the other one.
Two and three year old children will spend time when “owning” and enjoying their toys or activities in solitary and parallel play. During this time, they are becoming aware of other [tag-ice]children[/tag-ice] and defining boundaries.
If you have toddlers and children through three years of age, small play groups are a way to encourage the development of social skills. If each child brings their own toys and can place them in their own space, the boundaries are defined for you to watch how peers learn to share with each other. Your role as parent is to ask the right questions and model the appropriate answers. Here are two brief examples.
Child one wants child two’s toy:
“Child Two, can child one play with your toy?” If “yes,” then help child two hand the toy over with praise about good choices. If “no” then explain to child two that child one owns the toy and his decision was no, and there is more for you to explore over here, and then redirect the child’s attention.
Child one and two want the same blocks:
Ask, “Is there a way for both of you to have some blocks? Show me how to do this.” Sit down and wait for them to work through their own solutions.
Biography
Dr. Caron B. Goode is the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents International, a training and certification program for parent coaches. In addition to duties with the academy, Dr. Goode is the founding editor of the website InspiredParenting.net, and the author of eleven books, the most recent of which is Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma, which includes several chapters on he use of storytelling strategies. For more information on The Academy for Coaching Parents International or to sign up for academy announcements, visit www.acpi.biz .
No part of this article may be copied or reproduced in any form without the express permission of More4Kids Inc © 2006
At what age should I expect my child to share?
Two and three year olds are genuinely not developmentally ready to share, and forcing it can backfire. Children at this stage are working on a foundational concept — ownership — and understanding that they can control aspects of their environment. That sense of ownership is actually what later makes respect for others possible. Expecting sharing before this foundation is in place is like asking a child to run before they can walk. Most children begin naturally engaging in sharing behaviors as they move into cooperative play, typically around ages four and up.
Why won’t my toddler share, and is that normal?
Completely normal. Toddlers go through a predictable sequence of play stages identified by researcher Mildred Parten: first solitary play (absorbed in their own activity), then parallel play (playing alongside another child without interacting). During this time they are learning to define their own space and what belongs to them — an essential building block of later social development. A two-year-old who refuses to hand over their toy is not being selfish in the adult sense; they’re simply doing the developmental work their age calls for.
How can I encourage sharing without forcing it?
Create opportunities for children to practice naturally. Small play groups where each child brings their own toys and has their own space let children observe and eventually initiate sharing on their own terms. When a conflict arises, model the process: ask the child who has the toy if the other child can play with it, respect whatever answer they give, and redirect rather than force. When a child does choose to share, acknowledge it specifically with praise about the good choice — that positive reinforcement is more effective than pressure.
What should I do when two children both want the same toy?
Instead of stepping in to resolve it yourself, ask an open question and wait: ‘Is there a way for both of you to have some of the blocks? Show me how to do this.’ Then sit down and give them the space to work through their own solutions. This approach respects their developing problem-solving abilities and teaches far more than a parent-imposed resolution ever could. Your role is to guide the process, not to always provide the answer.
We have definitely been through that whole “It’s mine” phase. I just ask her how she would feel if someone didn’t want to share with her. It usually does the trick!
It was one of the most freeing moments of parenting a toddler when a speaker at our mom’s group said that our two-year olds shouldn’t be punished or highly pressured to share because they really weren’t at that stage of development yet. Always good to have the information that helps us to parent our best!
I watched my daughter-in-law teach here 7 month old to share his sock by sitting in a circle with him, his dad, his mom and me. She asked him if he would share his sock and held out her hand, then she handed it off to the dad, who gave it to me, who in turn gave it back to the baby. He laughed and enjoyed the game. We have continued to do this with him, incorporating other children, as his circle of friends has expanded. He has figured out the even if he gives his favorite item away, it will eventually come back.