Step Parenting: Building Relationships That Last

Step-Parenting can be challeging, rewarding and frustrating all at the same time. It is important to try and not get caught in the middle. One way out of this dilemma is to step out from the middle and simply be part of 'senior management'. Successful employment of that strategy will require cooperation from the biological parent. But if you don't have that already, that may well be a major source of the difficulty to begin with.

Step Parenting and being a step-parent can be a real challenge. A step-parent is somewhat like being in middle management – you get the complaints from ‘above’ and ‘below’. It is important to try and not get caught in the middle. One way out of this dilemma is to step out from the middle and simply be part of ‘senior management’. Successful employment of that strategy will require cooperation from the biological parent. But if you don’t have that already, that may well be a major source of the difficulty to begin with.

Like any change in relationships, adjustments take time. Attempting to force the situation will likely result in frustration to all parties. The biological parent may well be threatened by the need to ‘share power’ and the child will typically resent being guided by someone not ‘officially sanctioned’.

Here again, cooperation of the biological parent is key. Honestly communicating frustrations in a non-confrontational way gives that parent the opportunity to hear what needs the step-parent may have that are being thwarted. Experience suggests that no-quick fix or instantaneous change is likely to take place. Several calm, mature discussions will need to occur before a meaningful, lasting shift can take place.

The step-child, too, will necessarily be part of the equation. Seeing another adult in the role of step-parent, rather than intruder, will take time. How much time will depend on the age and individual personality of the child. The child shouldn’t be allowed to dictate terms – adults need to remain the term-setters in the house. But a sincere respect for the child’s context will benefit all parties.

One way to ease this transition is to have the biological parent, the step-parent and the children sit down for a quiet, unhurried talk. This assumes the children are older than about three or so. During the discussion, which the biological parent should initially lead, an age appropriate ‘statement of policy’ can be revealed and talked about.

The two parents should have prepared this in advance and agreed on any compromise beforehand. The discussion should not be one of simply ‘laying down the law’. Children need a sense of control and freedom to choose just as adults do. But the adults are necessarily in the role of ultimate ‘decider’ in the household.

Showing the children that the adults are united in this area will go a long way toward avoiding playing one parent off the other – including those in another household. It will provide the children with clear guidance that will need to be reinforced by actual experiences and occasional reminders.

Such an arrangement, formalized by the discussion, will help to relieve anxiety on the part of the [tag-ice]step-parent[/tag-ice] about what he or she should expect. The step-parent, too, needs to know where to assert authority, and when to take a back seat.

All parties benefit.

Why is step-parenting so difficult?

Table of Contents

A step-parent often ends up in a middle-management role — caught between the expectations of the biological parent and the resistance of the child. The child typically resents being guided by someone they haven’t officially accepted, and the biological parent may feel threatened by sharing authority. Without cooperation from the biological parent, those tensions are very hard to resolve.

How do I build a relationship with my stepchild?

Give it time and resist the urge to force the relationship. Children need to come to see the step-parent as a trusted adult rather than an intruder, and how long that takes depends on the child’s age and personality. Showing genuine respect for where the child is coming from — without letting the child set the rules — is the most consistent path forward.

How should step-parents and biological parents communicate to make blended family life work?

Honestly and without confrontation. The step-parent should express frustrations calmly and privately to the biological parent, giving them a chance to understand what is not working. No quick fix is realistic — it takes several mature, ongoing conversations before lasting changes happen. The goal is to come to a shared, agreed-upon approach before presenting it to the children.

Should we have a family meeting when blending a stepfamily?

Yes, once the children are about three or older, a quiet and unhurried family sit-down can help. The biological parent should lead it, sharing an age-appropriate statement of how the household will work. Both adults should agree on the approach beforehand. The aim is not to lay down the law but to give children clarity and a sense that the adults are united — which reduces the temptation for children to play one parent against the other.