But I Don’t Know What to Say! In my childhood years, I don’t
remember being touched by death. I don’t remember any classmates dieing or any of their parents dieing. Was I oblivious or were we just lucky? I guess I’ll never know the answer to that question. But I can walk through the halls of my children’s schools and see children from five different families whose fathers have died during their school years. When I take my daughter to cheerleading practice, we see a little girl whose mother recently died. And when we go to church, we see two girls whose father died a few years ago, and we see a mom whose ten-year-old son died last November. -
Just say you’re sorry. As much as we want to say the ultimate comforting words, they probably don’t exist.
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But a sincere “I’m sorry” expresses concern and shares sorrow.
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Give a hug or a pat on the shoulder. These simple gestures let the grieving person know you care.
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Make a card or write a letter.
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Share a story about the person who has died.
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Be available to listen.
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Pray for others.
How do I talk to my child about death?
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The most important thing is to be honest, in age-appropriate language. Children don’t need every detail, but they do need truthful answers — vague euphemisms like ‘passed away to a better place’ can confuse young children and create more anxiety. Answer the questions they actually ask, and leave room for follow-up conversations as they process things over time.
What should I say to my child when someone in their life dies?
Start by giving them a chance to talk, not by having all the answers. Ask what they’ve heard and what they’re thinking. Validate whatever they’re feeling — it’s okay to be sad, confused, even angry. You don’t need to say anything brilliant. Simply being present, listening without rushing to fix the feelings, and following their lead matters far more than finding the perfect words.
How do I help my child support a friend who is grieving?
The core skill is the same for children as for adults: show up and listen. Coach your child away from common missteps like ‘I know how you feel’ or changing the subject when it gets uncomfortable. Encourage them to simply acknowledge what happened: ‘I’m really sorry about your dad.’ Remind them that their friend doesn’t need the grief fixed — they just need to know they’re not alone.
Is it normal for children to grieve differently than adults?
Very much so. Children often grieve in bursts — they can be upset one moment and back to playing the next, which doesn’t mean they aren’t affected. They also may not have words for what they’re feeling, or they may circle back to questions about death repeatedly over months or years. Following their cues rather than expecting adult grieving patterns keeps the conversation open and healthy.
It is such a sad thing to think about but something very important to talk about. You hate to think that your children will be touched by death but it is bound to happen that they will know someone who has lost a loved one. I really like the suggestions you make. Teaching our children to be supportive, sincere, and available to grieving friends is an important lesson.