One of the biggest struggles a parent can have is to encourage our children to be self sufficient. We so much want to just reach out and help them when they struggle, but it is an important parenting skill to teach our kids how to solve their own challenges.
Sometimes the loving move is to stay close and let them try.
Why should parents let their children struggle with problems instead of solving them?
Table of Contents
Because solving every problem for them takes away exactly the experience they need: figuring out that they can handle hard things. Kids who are consistently rescued miss the satisfaction of working something out themselves — and they also miss the confidence that comes with it. Self-sufficiency isn’t something parents can hand over; it has to be built through practice. The role of a parent isn’t to remove every obstacle but to be present as the child works through them.
How can parents help their children solve problems without doing it for them?
Listen first. Let your child explain what they’re dealing with — whether it’s a conflict with a friend or a frustrating homework problem. Then ask them what they think they should do rather than immediately offering the answer. When they get started, your job is to guide and encourage, not to take over. For spelling, ‘How do you think you spell it?’ is more useful than just spelling it for them. They often know more than they think — and they need to find that out for themselves.
What happens to children who grow up having everything done for them?
They tend to struggle when life doesn’t accommodate them. Kids who expect parents to handle every problem grow up without strong problem-solving skills and, often, without believing they’re capable of figuring things out on their own. That lack of confidence in their own ability is one of the main reasons children keep looking to parents to solve things: they haven’t yet discovered what they can do. Holding back — even when it’s painful to watch them struggle — is one of the most loving things a parent can do.
When should parents step in to help their children versus letting them figure things out?
When there is real safety involved, step in immediately. For everything else — social friction, academic frustration, everyday disappointment — the better move is to be present without taking over. Listen, ask questions, offer encouragement, and let them try. Hold them accountable for their choices and help them see the connection between their actions and their outcomes. That’s the kind of support that builds the critical thinking and resilience they’ll actually need as adults.
Letting your kids become self-sufficient is important. This desire seems to start during the Terrible Twos. By taking our hand off of them, we let them grow up.
Letting your kids become self-sufficient is important. This desire seems to start during the Terrible Twos. By taking our hand off of them, we let them grow up.