by Stacey Schifferdecker
My children are taking a different, and I hope healthier, path. When their grandfather died, they all went to the funeral. They knew their grandpa, who had Alzheimer’s had been sick and they had visited him many times in the nursing home. At the funeral, they cried a little and laughed a little. They looked at pictures of their grandpa and listened to people talk about how wonderful he had been. They enjoyed seeing their cousins too, but they also got to say goodbye to a man who was an important part of their lives.
Talk to Your Children about Death and the Life After
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Attending the funeral was a good choice for my children. It may not be for yours. You know your child best, and you know how your child will react. Whatever you choose, be sure that you talk to your children about how they are feeling. Be open to answering their questions, but don’t push them to talk. If they change the subject, it may mean they have had enough for now. Don’t be surprised, though, if the subject comes up again later.
Some common questions children may ask include:
• Is death like sleeping? When someone is dead, they might look like they are asleep. But when you’re asleep, your body still works. When you die, your body doesn’t work anymore.
• Why did he die? When a ten-year-old boy at church died suddenly this spring, I heard this question over and over. I also heard a wonderful answer: His body got too sick. By adding that simple word “too” to the sentence, the children understood what had happened, but also didn’t get scared that they would die the next time they got sick.
• Will I die? Will you die? Death is possible, even if it is remote. Tell your children that everyone dies someday but that most people live for a long, long time.
• Will he come back? Children may ask this question many times. They don’t have a concept of “forever” yet. Be patient and tell your child each time that their loved one won’t be back.
• Why does God let people die? This is a tough question to answer, especially if you’re wondering the very same questions yourself. It’s OK to say “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand why either.” It’s even OK to be angry with God. He can take our anger and help us work through the pain.
You don’t have to know all the right answers or use all the right words. You may want to bring in a counselor or your minister to help you and your child struggle with these questions. Just do your best and be open and honest with your child. Grieving can be a long and lonely process, but your and your child can come to a healing together.
Should I take my child to a funeral?
It depends on the child, and the article is clear about that: you know your child better than anyone does. For the author’s children, attending their grandfather’s funeral was the right choice — they had known him well, and being there gave them the chance to say a real goodbye to someone who mattered to them. Whatever you decide, the most important thing is to keep talking with your child about how they’re feeling, and to answer their questions honestly without forcing them to open up before they’re ready.
What do I say when my child asks why someone died?
Simple and honest language works best. The article shares an answer that helped a group of children understand the sudden death of a boy at church: ‘His body got too sick.’ That one word — ‘too’ — made the difference. Children understood what had happened, but also understood they wouldn’t die the next time they themselves got sick. Avoid euphemisms like ‘went to sleep’ or ‘passed away’ that can confuse young children, and keep your answer age-appropriate and grounded.
What do I say when my child asks if they or I will die?
Be honest without creating fear. The article suggests telling children that yes, everyone dies someday — but that most people live for a very long time. Avoid outright denial (‘I’m not going to die’), which can erode trust if life later proves otherwise. The goal is to give your child an honest, measured answer that doesn’t leave them in the dark, while also reassuring them that death is not something they need to fear as an immediate threat.
My child keeps asking if the person who died will come back. What do I do?
Answer the question every time it comes up, patiently and consistently. Young children don’t yet have a concept of ‘forever,’ so they may ask the same question again and again — this isn’t a sign they didn’t understand, it’s how they process something too large to absorb all at once. Each time, the article recommends giving the same gentle, honest response: their loved one won’t be coming back. Repetition is part of how children grieve.
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