by Stacey Schifferdecker
All parents hope and pray their children will lead happy, carefree lives. Unfortunately, real life intervenes in the form of death, divorce, fires, hurricanes, tornados, and other disasters. Since we can’t always protect our children from trauma, how can we help them survive and, eventually, thrive?
Children often don’t have the words to express their emotions, and so adults think they are doing “just fine” when, in reality, they are scared and anxious inside. Symptoms that may indicate your child is more affected by trauma than you realize include
- Clinginess
- Sleep disturbances and nightmares
- Regression to old habits such as thumb-sucking or bedwetting
- Temper tantrums
- Withdrawal from friends and family
- Physical complaints such as stomachaches
When a [tag-ice]trauma[/tag-ice] occurs in your family or community, it is very important that you give children the opportunity to talk about what has happened. It may be scary to you to see the full extent of your children’s pain, but they need to talk about their feelings and fears. When they are talking, don’t interrupt them or dismiss their anxieties. Instead, let them know that it is normal to feel upset, scared, mad, and confused. Acknowledging your children’s pain will help it feel more manageable to everyone.
Here are some other tips to help your child through the bad times:
- Continue daily routines and activities as much s possible.
- Spend more time together and give lots of hugs and cuddling.
- Play and draw together. Children’s feelings will often come our through play or artwork.
- If the trauma is personal, such as a divorce or death in the [tag-cat]family[/tag-cat], make sure your children’s teachers know what is going on.
- Assure your children—repeatedly—that whatever happened is not their fault.
- Talk to your child about what has happened and answer any questions as honestly as you can. Keep your children informed about possible changes: for example, if you have to move. Telling them a painful truth is better than letting their imaginations kick up a possibly even more painful fantasy.
- Keep boundaries in place. Trauma is not an excuse for being rude or disrespectful.
- Seek help. Most communities abound with divorce recovery groups, grief counseling workshops, and more. The whole family might also benefit from professional counseling.
• Make new traditions, especially around the holidays. Your children may get mired in sadness remembering traditions that can no longer be. So create your own new traditions! For example, if your family always took a post-Thanksgiving dinner walk, institute a family game night instead. - Let your children see that you are in pain too, but do not make them feel responsible for your pain. Do not share details about your pain and anger that will only burden your children more. This is especially following a divorce, when you may be tempted to criticize your former spouse in front of the children.
- Pray – for yourself and for your children. And teach your children to pray so they can shift their burden of sadness to God at least for a while.
Be patient with your children. It will take time for them to work through their pain and [tag-ice]grief[/tag-ice]. Eventually you will be a stronger family unit for surviving this trauma together.
Stacey Schifferdecker is the happy but harried mother of three school-aged children—two boys and a girl. She is also a freelance writer, a Children’s Minister, a PTA volunteer, and a Scout leader. Stacey has a Bachelor’s degree in Communications and French and a Master’s degree in English. She has written extensively about parenting and education as well as business, technology, travel, and hobbies.
No part of this article may be copied or reproduced in any form without the express permission of More4Kids Inc © 2006
How do I know if my child is struggling after a traumatic event?
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Children often can’t find the words for what they feel, so the signs show up in behavior instead. Watch for clinginess, sleep disturbances and nightmares, regression to old habits like thumb-sucking or bedwetting, temper tantrums, withdrawal from friends and family, and physical complaints like stomachaches. If you notice several of these together after a difficult event, your child needs extra support — not just reassurance that everything is fine.
What should I say to my child after a traumatic event?
Start by giving them space to talk. When they do open up, listen without interrupting or dismissing what they feel. Let them know it is completely normal to feel upset, scared, angry, or confused. Answer their questions as honestly as you can, even painful ones — a hard truth is usually easier for children to handle than an anxious imagination filling in the blanks. And repeat clearly and often that whatever happened is not their fault.
How can I help my child feel safe and stable after a loss or disaster?
Routine and closeness are the two most powerful tools. Keep daily activities and schedules as normal as possible — predictability gives children a sense of safety when their world feels out of control. Spend extra time together, offer lots of hugs, and play or draw alongside them, since feelings often come out through art and play before they find words. Let their teachers know what is happening so they can provide support at school as well.
When should I seek professional help for a child dealing with grief or trauma?
Most communities have divorce recovery groups, grief counseling workshops, and family therapists who work specifically with children. If your child’s symptoms are intense, lasting, or getting worse rather than better over time, reaching out to a counselor is a strong next step. The whole family can benefit from professional support after a significant loss — it is a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help when the burden is real.
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