The fact is, all brothers and sisters fight at least sometimes. There are a lot of reasons siblings fight, but the main reason is that they are competing with each other for a precious limited resource: your time and attention. This is why sibling rivalry often starts even before the second child is born, as older children begin to see their [tag-ice]parents[/tag-ice] attention diverted to the new baby.
It can be frustrating and upsetting to hear and see your kids fight, so what steps can you take to promote peace in your [tag-self]family[/tag-self] and to help your kids get along? Here are some ideas:
- If you are expecting a new baby, include older children in the preparations. They can pick out a special toy for the new baby, offer suggestions for a name, give input on decorating the nursery, and more. Check with the hospitals in your area too—many hospitals have special classes for big brothers and sisters to help them learn what it’s like to have a baby in the house. They may even get a tour of the hospital nursery.
- Remember that all your children are different people, with different moods, interests, needs, and temperaments. Don’t expect your children to act the same or to like the same things. Make sure they all have space and time for their interests and activities.
- Never compare your children to each other. That will just make everyone feel resentful and jealous.
- Give each of your kids regular one-on-one time and attention.
- Work together to set family rules for acceptable behavior, such as no slamming doors and no yelling
- Don’t fall into the “fairness trap” of thinking you need to treat your children equally all the time. Your job is to meet each child’s unique needs. Younger children need to go to bed earlier because they need more sleep. One child may need new shoes while the other doesn’t yet. Fairness has nothing to do with it—it’s just life.
- Reward appropriate behavior. Notice when your kids are getting along and comment on it.
- No name-calling or insulting each other
- Take turns talking. If necessary, bring out a “talking stick,” explaining that only the person holding the stick can talk.
- Ask each child to repeat and rephrase what the other child said, so you can be sure everyone is listening to and understanding each other
- Acknowledge your children’s anger, but help them learn non-harmful ways to express it
Why do siblings fight so much?
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The main reason siblings fight is competition for a precious limited resource — your time and attention. This is why sibling rivalry often starts even before a second child is born, as older children begin to sense their parents’ attention shifting to the new baby.
How can I reduce sibling rivalry between my kids?
Include older children in preparations for a new baby so they feel involved, not replaced. Give each child regular one-on-one time and attention, never compare your children to each other, and work together to set family rules for acceptable behavior. Looking for ways to have fun together as a family also helps — shared positive memories go a long way.
Should I always step in when my kids are fighting?
Not always. Unless your children are hurting one another physically or emotionally, it is usually better to let them try to work out their problems themselves. This helps them build negotiation and compromise skills that will serve them their whole lives.
What is the best way to handle a sibling fight when I do need to intervene?
Behave like a coach, not a judge. Your role is to guide your children through a negotiation rather than take sides or assign blame. Start by separating the kids until everyone has calmed down, then bring them together with clear ground rules: no name-calling, take turns talking, and ask each child to repeat what the other said so everyone is truly listening.
Stacey Schifferdecker is the happy but harried mother of three school-aged children—two boys and a girl. She is also a freelance writer, a Children’s Minister, a PTA volunteer, and a Scout leader. Stacey has a Bachelor’s degree in Communications and French and a Master’s degree in English. She has written extensively about parenting and education as well as business, technology, travel, and hobbies.
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