Parenting at More4kids » Discipline

Parenting: Better Options to Spanking

More4kids — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 17:15:49 +0000

by Jennifer Shakeel

A recent study was published in the May issue of Pediatrics, that showed children who are spanked when they are 3 (or older) are more likely to be more aggressive in kindergarten and throughout life than those children who are not spanked. While many of us that are currently parents grew up getting spanked and turned out okay, a poll done on how parents feel about spanking showed that more ten 80% feel it is appropriate, the National Pediatric Association disagrees.

Personally, I think that there is a time for a child to be spanked, though it is only ever a last resort and it is in response to a child putting themselves or someone else in harm’s way. I also believe that there are better options that we as parents have to not only discipline our children but teach them as to why what they did was wrong.

Parenting Tip One: Remain Calm

If you are angry it is going to be difficult for you to remain calm to explain to your child what it is they did wrong and why they are in trouble. Believe it or not, children don’t always know or understand why they are in trouble. So you need to be calm enough to explain it to them.

Tip Two: Make Sure You Have “Me Time”

As silly as this sound, parents who don’t have the opportunity to take time for themselves tend to be quick to react to a tense situation by spanking your child. I know as a mother of 3 (ages 15 to 16 months, wife, and home based business owner) that life can sometimes get in the way of us taking time for ourselves. You don’t need a day… or even hours… one hour or 15 minutes where all you do are focus on you. Listen to music… drink a cup of coffee really slowly… take a hot shower. It will help you put things in perspective.

Tip Three: Kind… but Firm

Parents also tend to spank when their child hasn’t listened to them after repeatedly telling their child not to do a particular thing. Next time you are in this situation consider getting down to your child’s eye level, put your hand gently on his or her shoulder and tell him or her what it is you want them to do in a kind but firm tone. Look sometimes it isn’t that they aren’t listening to you, they don’t know what else to do. Dr. Michele Borba recommends teaching your child an alternative to the behavior you want them to stop.

Tip Four: Offer Choices

As I said in the above tip, sometimes it is really a matter of not knowing what else to do that lands a child in trouble and on the verge of getting a spanking. So offer them options, for example, if you are at the dinner table and your child is playing with their food you can say, “Would you like to stop playing with your food and eat dinner or would you prefer to go to bed hungry?” Empower your child to make the decision… and then explore the consequences of their choice.

Tip Five: Make Sure the Consequences are Logical

This is important if you really want to change a particular behavior and teach your child responsibility. Let’s say that your child breaks the car light on the neighbor’s car while playing baseball in the cul-de-sac… you spank him/her… exactly what is your child learning from that? I know, you are thinking that he will learn not to do it again. Yes he probably will, but he will also learn that if he doesn’t want to get hit when he makes a mistake, he needs to hide that mistake. Instead say to your child, “I see that you broke the tail light on the neighbor’s car… what are you doing to do to repair it?”

Tip Six: Make Agreements with Your Child

If you and your child have an agreement and your child breaks that agreement, give them the chance to get back in your good graces with a “make-up” instead of punishing them.

Tip Seven: Step Away from the Conflict

It is normal for a child to sass back to a certain extent. There are times though when that sass can cause you to react with a slap. Instead of engaging in the behavior by arguing with your child, turn and look at your son or daughter and say, “I will be in the next room when you are ready to talk to me respectfully… until then you can stay in your room.”

Parenting is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face, but you need to know that it is also one of the most rewarding. All parents try to do their best raising their children and sometimes we need a little help looking for better options.

Be sure to check out: 7 Strategies for Effective Time Outs

Biography
Jennifer Shakeel is a writer and former nurse with over 12 years medical experience. As a mother of two incredible children with one on the way, I am here to share with you what I have learned about parenting and the joys and changes that take place during pregnancy. Together we can laugh and cry and rejoice in the fact that we are moms!

Being a Parent and a Friend to Your Child

More4kids — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 23:19:44 +0000

by Jennifer Shakeel

Parenting is hard enough, and trying to be a friend to your child at the same time can be like walking a tight rope. However, the two don't have to be mutually exclusive. As long as you are a parent first, it is possible to be friends with your child. As long as your children stay within the boundaries that are set for them, you can learn to be more than parents to your kids. The first step to being your child’s friend is to determine what the phrase “being friends” means. This is the initial key to become friends with your child while maintaining your parental status with them. There must be boundaries set and your child needs to understand them so that your relationship with them can be an enjoyable one for the both of you. You as a parent also need to respect your child in many ways.

Your child is looking for advice and guidance from you and you are, in a way, their role model whether they want to admit it or not. The key to being a parent and a friend is to know that it’s OK to say no. Parents cannot be afraid to say it to their kid. It is important to know where to draw the line and know where to be a parent and not to please them because you do not want them upset or angry at you.

How to Be a Friend to Your Child

Here are a few tips that can help you to become friends with your child:

The first step is to establish with your child that you can be friends, but you are the parent first. I have seen many parents try to be friends with their children and completely lose sense of the fact that they are the parent. While being friends with your child is wonderful, you need to remember that they have plenty of friends at school they also need you to be their parent. Being a parent should always come first then being there friend.
Respect levels should be established as well. Set rules, these rules need to include how late they can stay out, know who they are with and dating, where they are going and what parties they will be going to, and things of that nature. They know you are their provider and the one who protects them and they should respect that.
It’s not as simple as it seems to be your kid’s friend. You want to be their friend without them knowing that you are trying. Try not to spoil them or get too much into their business as this can push them away from you.
Show your child love in a constant flow but not to the point where they are drowning in it. Try not to get too deep into their personal lives, friends, or every move of every day that they make. Doing this will be a step in the right direction for maintaining a friendship with your child.

There Will be Consequences

If rules and boundaries are not set, the child can have a pretty disastrous childhood. We all know this we have been friends with somebody whose mom or dad was more interested in being there friend then their parent. Children need rules, and even if you are their friend they need to understand that breaking the rules has its consequences because in the end you are their mom or dad.

It's a fine line that parents walk I try to be friends with their children, it's also a fine line the children walk with her parents are trying to be their friends.

Parenting and How to Set Appropriate Limits

More4kids — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 15:17:29 +0000

Yes, this is a fun topic. Trust me when I tell you that it is never too late to set limits, however the sooner you set them the better off you and your children will be. If it is possible to start training children in the womb I recommend starting there, but definitely as soon as they come out.

Now, I have friends that believe in letting children be children, that only through trying different things can they grow as people. I have other friends that have such strict limits on their children that I have yet to figure out how those kids breathe on their own. Then there are my other friends that fall in-between. My husband and I fall into that category most of the time. We believe that kids will be kids, but kids will never grow up to become responsible adults if they don’t have some guidance, but at the same time they have to be able to make decisions on their own and suffer the consequences in order to be responsible adults. So this week is geared towards that happy medium, to help you set limits so that your child/children will grow up to be responsible self reliant adults.

Establish a Set of Family Rules

You want to set rules for the entire family. Make sure that these rules are simple, and that there are not to many of them. For example, our family rules are simple: 1) Be respectful of others, 2) Be respectful of yourself, 3)Never lie, 4) Always eat dinner together, 5) Think before acting.

As our children have and are growing the details of each rule is expanded. But we have laid a nice foundation.

Talk to Your Children about the Rules

You can’t punish them for not following the rules if they do not know what they are or understand them. Have a family meeting, sit down and talk to your children about the limits you have set, why you have set the limits and what each limit means. Yes, we all grew up with parents or friends who had parents whose philosophy was “Because I said so.” Most of us turned out okay… but we all know that the first thing a child says is “Why?” I recommend having an answer for them other then because you said so. If they understand why they have to follow a limit they are more likely to stick to that limit.

Set Consequences for Breaking a Rule

There is an old saying, “rules are made to be broken.” Well yes and no. Rules that have consequences that you have to pay when you break them have benefit. Rules that do not have consequences are pointless, and a waste of time. “Don’t lie,” is an excellent rule… however if your child lies and there is not a penalty for lying then what good is the rule? In our house we have the “Never lie” rule. Our children also know that they have one chance to tell the truth, the first time they are asked. If they lie, the punishment is worse then what it would’ve been if they had just fessed up to “breaking the window” or “who hit who first and why.”

Now… we have also explained to them that leaving out details also has consequences. There is a difference between lying and omitting facts. Our son is a master at this. He doesn’t lie and say that he didn’t do something, but he will conveniently leave out important details of a situation so that he does not look as guilty. Depending on the situation, there is punishment for that as well.

Enforce Rules CALMLY

If you have a well thought out rule and a well thought out consequence to breaking that rule then you should not have to yell at your child. Yes, I am sure you are laughing at this right now. There are times that I laugh at it as well. Especially when your child continues to break the same rule repeatedly no matter what you do and now all you want to do is grab hold of them a shake sense into them.

Perhaps before you do that, what you need to do is take a deep breath and sit down with your child and ask them why they are continually breaking that rule. For us, we found out that the consequence to a particular rule we had did not “scare” our son. Yes, he knew the punishment but it was a punishment he was comfortable with. Meaning that he knew he could handle the punishment because there were other things he could do.

So we sat down with him and explained to him the harsh reality of the world and what was going to happen if he broke that rule again. We talked with his teacher at school, and the principal of his school. We all got on the same page as to what would happen if he broke that rule and we are all sticking by it. Thus far he has not broken that rule and we are on week 3.

Include Your Child in the Rule Making

First you may be surprised at what rules your child believes need to be made, and you may be even more surprised at the consequence that they feel should be paid. Look, regardless of who you are, adult or child, it is difficult to adhere to rules that you feel you had no part in making. There are certain rules that when our children break them we ask them to come up with a punishment for what they did. It’s funny that they typically come back with a harsher punishment then what we would’ve given.

Know When to Bend the Rules

We have all had times in our lives when we have had to bend the rules, because the rule didn’t really apply completely to the situation. This holds true even with children. For example, if you have a do not hit rule… and you get a call from the school. Your child was in a fight, he/she hit another child. That is all you are told. You are furious. You pick your child up, get them in the car… before you start to yell at them or scold them ask them what happened.

You may find that while they did hit another child they did it only in defense. That the other child had already hit them, ask why. What was the reason the first punch was thrown. If it really wasn’t your child’s’ fault does he really need to be punished at home? Or is this a time that you can bend the rule? Make sure that your child understands that hitting is wrong, that there are better ways to handle difficult situations but you also don’t want your child to stand there and take a beating.

Our philosophy is that our children should never start the fight. That they should try to walk away if they can, if they can’t then they should finish the fight.

Enforce the Rules

Yes, there are times to bend the rules… but there isn’t a time to forget the rules. If you have them, you have set them for a reason so make sure that you enforce them. And if your child breaks the rules make sure that you follow through with the punishment for breaking that rule.