by Jennifer Shakeel

A recent study was published in the May issue of Pediatrics, that showed children who are spanked when they are 3 (or older) are more likely to be more aggressive in kindergarten and throughout life than those children who are not spanked. While many of us that are currently parents grew up getting spanked and turned out okay, a poll done on how parents feel about spanking showed that more ten 80% feel it is appropriate, the National Pediatric Association disagrees.

Personally, I think that there is a time for a child to be spanked, though it is only ever a last resort and it is in response to a child putting themselves or someone else in harm’s way. I also believe that there are better options that we as parents have to not only discipline our children but teach them as to why what they did was wrong.

Parenting Tip One: Remain Calm

If you are angry it is going to be difficult for you to remain calm to explain to your child what it is they did wrong and why they are in trouble. Believe it or not, children don’t always know or understand why they are in trouble. So you need to be calm enough to explain it to them.

Tip Two: Make Sure You Have “Me Time”

As silly as this sound, parents who don’t have the opportunity to take time for themselves tend to be quick to react to a tense situation by spanking your child. I know as a mother of 3 (ages 15 to 16 months, wife, and home based business owner) that life can sometimes get in the way of us taking time for ourselves. You don’t need a day… or even hours… one hour or 15 minutes where all you do are focus on you. Listen to music… drink a cup of coffee really slowly… take a hot shower. It will help you put things in perspective.

Tip Three: Kind… but Firm

Parents also tend to spank when their child hasn’t listened to them after repeatedly telling their child not to do a particular thing. Next time you are in this situation consider getting down to your child’s eye level, put your hand gently on his or her shoulder and tell him or her what it is you want them to do in a kind but firm tone. Look sometimes it isn’t that they aren’t listening to you, they don’t know what else to do. Dr. Michele Borba recommends teaching your child an alternative to the behavior you want them to stop.

Tip Four: Offer Choices

As I said in the above tip, sometimes it is really a matter of not knowing what else to do that lands a child in trouble and on the verge of getting a spanking. So offer them options, for example, if you are at the dinner table and your child is playing with their food you can say, “Would you like to stop playing with your food and eat dinner or would you prefer to go to bed hungry?” Empower your child to make the decision… and then explore the consequences of their choice.

Tip Five: Make Sure the Consequences are Logical

This is important if you really want to change a particular behavior and teach your child responsibility. Let’s say that your child breaks the car light on the neighbor’s car while playing baseball in the cul-de-sac… you spank him/her… exactly what is your child learning from that? I know, you are thinking that he will learn not to do it again. Yes he probably will, but he will also learn that if he doesn’t want to get hit when he makes a mistake, he needs to hide that mistake. Instead say to your child, “I see that you broke the tail light on the neighbor’s car… what are you doing to do to repair it?”

Tip Six: Make Agreements with Your Child

If you and your child have an agreement and your child breaks that agreement, give them the chance to get back in your good graces with a “make-up” instead of punishing them.

Tip Seven: Step Away from the Conflict

It is normal for a child to sass back to a certain extent. There are times though when that sass can cause you to react with a slap. Instead of engaging in the behavior by arguing with your child, turn and look at your son or daughter and say, “I will be in the next room when you are ready to talk to me respectfully… until then you can stay in your room.”

Parenting is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face, but you need to know that it is also one of the most rewarding. All parents try to do their best raising their children and sometimes we need a little help looking for better options.

Be sure to check out: 7 Strategies for Effective Time Outs

Biography
Jennifer Shakeel is a writer and former nurse with over 12 years medical experience.  As a mother of two incredible children with one on the way, I am here to share with you what I have learned about parenting and the joys and changes that take place during pregnancy. Together we can laugh and cry and rejoice in the fact that we are moms!

No part of this article may be copied or reproduced in any form without the express permission of More4Kids Inc © and All Rights Reserved.

Parenting is no easy task. There is so much to do, so much to be concerned about. “Am I raising my children good enough?” “Should I enforce more rules on them?” “Am I punishing them too harshly?” The worries of whether we are being good parents go on and on. Unfortunately, all you can do is your very best. The best advice given to me was from a nurse after all first son was born, and that was simply to Always love him with all your heart.

There is one area of parenting that you should indeed feel extra concerned about, and with good reason. I am talking about enhancing your child's self image, building their self esteem, making them feel good about themselves.

There is nothing more valuable and more important as a parent's duty then to make sure that your child know that he or she is loved, valued, and overall important. A child who grows up with these constant messages of confidence will grow up with a strong and healthy self image.

As a parent, you cannot compromise when it comes to giving your children verbal and emotional feedback about their self-worth. He needs to hear from you again and again that he is accepted. He needs to know deep down inside that he is totally loved, regardless of his weaknesses, personality, appearance, and interests. You need to encourage your child to feel good about himself and his capabilities.

On the other hand, please do not confuse the above advice with disciplining your children. By going the extra mile to build your child's self esteem it does not mean that you shouldn't show anger and disappointment when he misbehaves.

Part of parenting is disciplining children when they misbehave. Parents should set certain limits while telling the children what they expect of them. By setting limits, making rules, and establishing punishment if these rules are broken, you are indirectly showing your kids that you care a great deal about them and how they act.

Now that we have reached the subject of discipline, you must know that there is a big difference between expressing disapproval of misbehavior and expressing general disapproval of a child. This is a very important distinction to make and a distinction your child needs to understand. Along with discipline should come praise whenever your child listens or does something well. Such positive discipline helps build self-esteem and confidence.

As strange as it may sound, a lot of parents have a hard time accepting their child. Perhaps due to unrealistically high expectations that obviously do not come to pass, they look at their child as a “failure” or sorts.

It is those parents themselves who may have received negative messages when they were little children, that they were unwanted, not good enough, and did not belong. And now they are unconsciously treating their children the same way. Do not do the same thing. Learn to enhance your child's self-image.

In the end it is important your child feels they have your unconditional love and that any discipline is aimed at their behavior and not them.

• How do I love my children?
• How do I respect my children?
• How do I hold my children accountable?

• give the child choices and formulate guidelines with him/her;
• provide the child with decision making opportunities;
• develop consistent loving discipline;
• hold the child accountable;
• let reality be the teacher and convey respect, self-worth and love to the child and therefore enhance the child’s self-esteem.

• Discipline by way of action – the discipline should be swift, direct, effective and as closely tied to the violations as possible. For example, you have told your child it is time to get in bed. Your child is blocking with all kinds of stalling tactics. Reality Discipline says that you don’t argue or negotiate. You simply state – “If you don’t go to bed on time your bedtime will be even earlier for the next three nights.” or “Don’t go to bed on time and give up your favorite TV show for a week.” Be pleasant, but do not wavier or hesitate and make sure you follow through on exactly what you said you would do.
• Parents must listen to their children – There is great power in listening, but few of us tap that source of power. When you really listen to your children it helps you understand where they are coming from and what they are thinking. It allows you to make better decisions when it comes to disciplining.
• Parents should give themselves to their children – Giving of yourself (not things) to your children is an essential ingredient for effective discipline. The simple truth is children want their parents. They want our time.

• I own my children – Reality discipline reminds parents that the goal is not to own or keep children, it is to help them learn to be responsible and accountable persons in their own right.
• I am judge and jury – Although we have authority over our children, we should always use it with tender, loving fairness.
• My children can’t fail – Children should fail on occasion because failure is good for them. Home should be a place where children can learn more about themselves. It should be a place where children can make mistakes as they try out things they have decided on their own. Parents should not interpret their child’s failures as a direct reflection on them.
• I am the boss- what I say goes. There are many situations where a parent knows what a child should do because the parent has been down that road before, but reality discipline helps you guide your child, not dominate him and make decisions for him.

What Reality Disciplinarians Do
Your mission, should you choose to accept it as reality disciplinarian includes:

• Being consistent, decisive and respectful of your children as persons.
• Using guidance rather than force, but being action oriented and not satisfied to just use words.
• Holding your children accountable for their actions whatever those actions are and to help your children learn from experience.
• Realizing that you as the parents of your children, are the most important teachers your children can ever have.

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It is an almost universal desire of parents to want their children to grow up in a happy and healthy environment. Most will spend plenty of time addressing how to help their kids feel loved and appreciated every single day. However, life seems to get in the way of these plans so many times, and parents find themselves spending most of their waking hours in survival mode instead of nurturing that quality time with the kids.

Positive Parenting Techniques and Discipline

Many times, in the heat of the moment we may use a label for a child that can have long term affects, especially if it is repeated. Consider a child who comes up to her mom and cries: “Mommy, Daddy called me stupid.” This form of humiliation can have lasting effects on a child. Whether it was said in the heat of the moment, or perhaps daddy had a bad day; it’s no excuse. Words hurt; it is an indelible rubber stamp of disapproval. Therefore, it is important to fully understand why labels can be destructive to children and lower your child self-esteem and self-confidence.

Every child needs to feel loved, accepted and respected. Using negative reinforcement to discipline a child will only yield unsatisfactory results. Labels produce negative reactions; and when used often, can become emotionally damaging to the child. Children look up to their parents; thus, there is no justification which motivates any parent in belittling a child. Addressing the child’s behavior in a negative manner can lead to a myriad of problems. The child may develop low self-esteem; increased erratic behavior; and affect their inter-relationship with siblings and peers.

A parent who loses their temper is a common occurrence. However when it is directed towards the child, who may not understand the reasons behind the outburst, it can produce devastating effects. It is vital for the parent to immediately apologize; using words which positively impact on the child’s psyche. As a parent, it is your duty to ensure the child knows he or she is loved, at that very moment, and not put off for another day. The fear and disappointment the child feels must be addressed with an apology, and/or an explanation.

Disciplinary action of a child must never be accompanied by harsh words. When disciplining a chld it is always best for the parent to stay calm and collective. If necessary, take a break and collect your thoughts. Think before you say anything further. Then have the child take a time out, or remove a favorite toy until your child improves their behavior. If you lose your temper your child will learn what those hot spots are and it will be easy for things to escalate into a shouting match which almost never solves anything and just causes resentment. Later, after you calmly disciplined your child, talk about why the behavior was disciplined; then hug the child in a reassuring way. Let the child know you still love him or her. This will have a much more lasting affect. Words can impact a child’s life; positively and negatively. If you, as a parent, cannot control the emotional abuse; seek help. It is the very least you can do to ensure your child’s psychological state is not compromised in any way.

Disipline is becoming a very controversial topic, especially with proposals in some states making spanking illegal and equating it to child abuse. Thats a whole debate for a seperate article. This article will explore alternatives to this type of discipline, alternatives that have worked very well for my family. Parenting effectively can be one of the hardest task any person can undertake, and yet many parents are quite oblivious when it comes to how to go about instilling discipline into their children. There are a vast amount of toddler discipline approaches which abound in our modern times, and many contain very helpful and important information. It is important to approach your particular child as a unique individual while at the same time laying the ground rules of who is actually “in charge” in the home. Children learn at a very young age how to manipulate and control their parents in order to get their way in a situation. Therefore, taking care of toddler discipline while the child is still quite young is a very important step to a child’s future life and well-being.

Toddler Discipline: A Necessary Part of Learning For Parent And Child

Often, parents are hesitant to discipline their toddlers in any way for fear of stifling their “spirit” or because they are under the false assumption that their child will not understand why they are being punished. While it is true that a very small newborn would not understand, one cannot say the same for an older baby. Once the child is speaking a word or two coherently, they can understand the word “no” quite well. Withholding discipline from your child assures that he/she will have a much harder road as a teenager and adult than they would have had you taken the time to teach and train them. Whining and throwing a tantrum may be funny at age two, but it is anything but a thrill at age 16.

Effective parenting matches the punishment with the offense. Not every situation warrent the same approach. Various discipline approaches abound for toddlers, and each has their own merits and weaknesses. The “time-out” approach has become popular for some in recent years and seems to work for certain types of children, mainly those who do not like to sit still and be alone. Yet, training your toddler involves more than just removing him/her from the situation. It requires explaining and reinforcing principles over and over, time and time again. Spanking is another form of toddler discipline and can be quite effective when done in the proper manner. Spanking a child when angry or while screaming at the child is counter-productive to say the least and does not produce the desired results of learning. A child may be bullied or afraid of you, but he/she certainly will not learn to respect authority in this way.

Approaching toddler discipline with calmness, love and patience is the best way to ensure the proper training for your child. Whatever method is chosen, the toddler must constantly receive positive reinforcement about their value to you, how much you love them and how special they are. They need to know that you discipline them because you care for them and want them to know right from wrong. They will respect the boundaries and limits that you set. In fact, they desire boundaries as an indication that you care. Make sure any discipline is done decisively and both parents back each other. Toddler discipline is one fundamental way to say, “I love you” to your child.

If only parenting were just the way we imagine it before ever having kids! “My kids will never do that,” we say when we see a two-year-old melting down in the grocery store or a twelve-year-old snapping at his mother. We envision cuddly stories before peaceful and calm bedtimes, fun romps at the playground with everyone obediently coming when it is time to go, and no burping contests at the dinner table (especially with your delicate daughter as the uncontested winner). Then reality intervenes in the form of loud, messy, dirty children who have (gulp) minds of their own. And we parents have to give up our dreams of perfect children (how fun would they be, anyway?) and start on the sometimes exhausting but ultimately fulfilling process of imposing discipline on our youngsters so they can evolve into caring, responsible, self-disciplined adults.

What is discipline? First of all, it is not punishment, although punishment is a type of discipline. In fact, punishment is probably the type of discipline most of us grew up with.
Punishment involves setting unpleasant, possibly even painful, consequences on a child for past misbehaviors. It can be physical, as in spanking, or psychological, as in shaming and name-calling. What it is not, however, is effective in the long run.

More positive types of discipline teach children self-control and confidence. They focus on present and future behavior, teaching children what behavior is okay and what is not okay. Discipline helps children learn self-control and take responsibility for their own behavior. Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It explains that discipline shows children what they did wrong, gives them ownership of the problem, and gives them ways to solve the problem.

Parents have many options for introducing discipline to their children. The American Academy of Family Physicians suggests the following discipline techniques:

Positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement focuses on rewarding good behavior, especially with attention. Catch your kids doing something right and reward them with thanks and praise. If there is a particular behavior you want to reinforce, set up a reward chart with your child. For example, if your daughter makes her bed every morning, she gets a sticker on her chart. After a certain number of stickers, she gets to choose a reward, such as time playing a game with you.

It is also important that you ignore your children’s negative behavior as much as possible or use time-outs to deal with it. Time-outs involve physically removing your child from a problem situation. To give your child a time-out, send him to a boring area, such as a corner of the room with no toys or television. Then ignore him until he is calm and quiet. A key to time-outs is keeping them short, usually one minute per year of life and no more than five minutes. Time-outs work well along with positive reinforcement because you are not rewarding your child with attention for negative behavior.

Redirecting
This technique means you redirect your child to appropriate behavior. This is especially useful for young children. For example, when your three-year-old is banging silverware on the table at a restaurant, you redirect her by starting a game or “I Spy” until your food arrives.

Verbal instruction
Talking to your child about what behavior you expect and why is helpful for older children. Instruction is always a good idea before leaving your children with a babysitter and before special events such as a wedding, funeral, or party. It can even be a good idea to review your behavior expectations before regular activities such as going into a grocery store or library. It may seem obvious to us that we use “inside voices” and “walking feet” in the grocery store, but it never hurts to remind your kids in advance. (Just don’t lecture–your kids will tune you out.)

House rules
House rules are a great technique because they remove any opportunity for your children to argue. When they watch TV before doing homework, you can impose a consequence and say, “Homework before TV. House rules.”

House rules work best when you keep them simple and children get to help set them. And be prepared to repeat them until your children learn to follow them on their own.

Grounding and withholding privileges
Grounding and withholding privileges are probably the most common discipline techniques used with school-age children and teenagers. These techniques teach them that that privileges come with responsibility and need to be earned.

Logical Consequences
This discipline technique means you stop trying to protect your children from every unpleasant consequence in life and let them feel the consequences of their actions. They forget their lunch and instead of delivering it to school, you let them go hungry that meal. They forget to put their clothes in the hamper and you don’t wash them.

Using logical consequences helps children learn responsibility and keeps the focus on the child’s behavior.

Which of these discipline techniques is right for you and your family? Maybe all of them, maybe none of them. See what works for your children and stay flexible. You will need to change your approach to discipline approach over time as your child matures and becomes more independent and responsible.